


Lost in love

by namjson



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Happy Ending, M/M, Stupid Boys, T'hy'la, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:01:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7963402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namjson/pseuds/namjson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim thinks that maybe, just maybe, this time, this relationship won't be a train wreck like the others. That maybe, just maybe he has found the one that he belongs with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Check

"Knight to B3"

Jim looks up at Spock, smirking. "You really thought I would fall for that?"

"Fall for what Captain? We are both immobile." Spock says in what resembles a vulcan version of a grumble.

But Jim can always read Spock. It surprises him sometimes how the stoic vulcan wears his heart on his sleeve - not that anyone else notices. "Aw babe. Are your feelings hurt?"

"Please desist from calling me babe, I am neither a child or an infant Captain"

"Jim."

"My name is Spock, captain, did you perhaps forget my name due to your limited human brain capacity?" Spock says while his lips tug up a quarter of a millimetre.

That smug bastard Jim thinks to himself fondly. Their chess banter has been all the entertainment he has had for the past 3 months, now in deep space, most of their missions are first contact and there has yet to be any "incidents" as Bones likes to call it. Surprised? Well, Jim was too. But it was a blessing and something that Jim was happy to attribute to as the luck that was owed to the enterprise after her first disastrous maiden voyage. 

Rolling his azure eyes, "Ha Fucking Ha, you know you're part human too don't you babe?" he says salaciously with a wink. 

"Well, you have always been an extraordinary human Captain." Jim can almost hear the "extraordinarily dumb" that Spock wants to say. And hey! He's almost smirking. 

Throwing back his head with a laugh he moves his queen three spaces to the left. "Oh Spock", he says extracting himself from his chair. Standing with a stretch, he maneuvers over to Spock's side. He plops himself onto Spock's lap. His heart thumps, fast. He's been waiting for this moment for a while now, the perfect moment to tell Spock that he loves him. 

They've grown close after all the missions and away trips and Jim thinks that maybe, just maybe, this time, this relationship won't be a train wreck like the others. That maybe, just maybe he has found the one that he belongs with. What started out as animosity had evolved into a sense of respect that had deepened and now Jim can't wait any longer. 

He'd deliberated for months on how to broach the subject. He was sure that Spock felt the same way, but he still didn't want to make any wrong moves that could result in a misunderstanding. After all they'd been through, perhaps it was time to be completely forthcoming.

Looking into Spock's confused hazel eyes, he moves closer.

"Captain? What are you do-"

Jim cuts him off mid-sentence by pressing his lips tenderly against Spock's. His hand rises to cup the back of Spock's head, caressing the silky black hair that makes Spock's bowl cut. The lips against his are still. His tongue presses tentatively against Spock's entrance, licking, inviting. And then they move. Still, strong arms come up to wrap around Jim's waist. His mouth parts and their tongues press against one another, hot, hard and carnal. 

Their licking into each others mouths desperately, devouring like a man starved. It's messy. But Jim wouldn't have it any other way. 

Jim has been wanting this for a while now. He's envisioned it in every way possible, fantasized.

Pressed up against the wall in a turbo lift, on the transporter pad, against the windows of the observational deck. But now? It seems so perfect. 

Chess was what had brought them together, what had made Spock look past his "cheating" at the Kobayashi Maru and to see him as an equal. As a man. 

Soon, they're both out of breath and they come apart, a string of saliva joining their mouths. Spock has turned an adorable pale shade of green and Jim knows that he must look like a mess. Lowering his head into the crook of Spock's neck, he presses a kiss to the tender, warm flesh. 

He can feel Spock's arousal pressing up against his ass. It's a persistent pressure that only makes the air between them sizzle furthermore with the tension. His own erection is pressed against Spock's stomach from where he's straddled Spock. Gently, he rolls his hips, eliciting a moan from Spock. 

"I think I love you" he whispers, knowing that Spock will hear. The hips beneath him stutter. 

Lifting his head with a smile, he turns to look at Spock.

And his stomach drops, on Spock's face is a look of horror. One that Spock would never allow himself to show otherwise. And Jim knows that he's fucked. The abject pain that shines in Spock's eyes makes him want to run for the first time in his life. On Tarsus, against Frank, against Nero, he's never once thought of running, but now...

Spock's face shutters in a split-second. He is now devoid of emotion.

"Jim, we can't do this, I am still in a relationship with Nyota."

Fuck. 

Jim had thought they had broken up. They'd stopped talking and even Bones had been under the impression that they had not been together since Spock had decided to stay on as first officer. For gods sake, they barely even interacted during meal time. 

"... Would you leave her for me?" Jim says, hating himself. He's never been big on morals but coming in-between a couple had been something that he'd never done. He would never cheat and he'd only gone for Spock because he had thought him single. Hell, even during their chess sessions where they'd talked about everything from Jim's childhood to Amanda, Spock had never brought up Uhura. He would never wish this on anyone, but for the first time in his life, he thought that he'd finally found the one person he belonged to. Someone that would fill up the loneliness that made him seek countless men and women. 

He needs Spock, he's seen the light in his eyes when he teases him, he knows that they both enjoy their quiet conversations at the observation deck over paperwork. He knows he has not been imagining the way that their fingers brush occasionally and how Spock's fingers seem to linger, leaving echoes on his skin, long after they've touched one another. 

He needs Spock. 

And he wants Spock to need him too. 

He needs it. 

Pulse racing, he peers into the fathomless hazel eyes that are before his own baby blues. Pleading. 

He's been dealt a shit deck before he was even born, he would deserve this much. At least this much, right? 

Spock moves to speak and Jim waits with a bated breath. Hoping. 

"Jim... I hold you with great respect but a match between us would be illogical. We simply do not... fit."

He feels like his heart is breaking, glass fragments penetrating the cold rock through to its molten core. The shards of granite flow through his bloodstream. In his place on Spock's lap, he feels like his life is coming apart. 

"Will you give us a chance? I swear I won't screw up. Just one chance, I swear, Spock. I swear!"

Spock in an uncharacteristic show of affection pulls Jim closer to him, "I am sorry Jim." Jim tries to remember how it feels like to have Spock's arms around him. This could be his only chance after all.

He would like to curse Uhura to hell, to damnation, but she too is his friend and if this is what makes both of them happy - or as happy as a vulcan can be - he'll relent. 

Tears trace trails down his cheeks. Lifting his hand hastily, he wipes them away, untangling himself from Spock's arms, he stands. And he'll continue standing, for the enterprise, for Bones, for the little pride he has left. 

"Well, it's getting late now, so I guess you better go..." He lets out a strangled laugh that is interrupted by a hiccup. 

He walks to the control panel in his cramped room, the tension in the room impenetrable. 

The door slides open. 

He hears Spock stand and walk over to the door. 

"Jim..." he starts, but Jim has heard enough. He's hoped enough, he's loved enough and he's had his heart trampled on enough. And he can't take it anymore. 

"Just go." he whispers. 

Spock leaves and Jim slides to the floor, tear tracks flowing freely.


	2. Times up

Spock had felt his heart breaking with every step he took away from Jim's quarters. But he had no other choice. 

Jim was not right for him. Jim was hot tempered, Jim was passionate, Jim was beautiful and Spock did not deserve him, especially after the incident on the bridge. 

He had allowed himself brief touches before this, enough to temper and satiate the growing need within him. The need for Jim. Perhaps it had been unfair to Nyota, but she was rational, she would understand. She had been fine when he insisted that they did not reveal their relationship in a public setting, for he was a private person, but as time passed, he began to suspect that he had done so in order to have more physical contact with Jim. To have less to explain when his fingers brushed against Jim's when Jim passed him an information tablet. To have less to ponder over. To have less to talk about during their chess sessions that grew increasingly intimate. 

It was illogical, this attraction. 

It was implausible, he had trained himself out of such baser needs. 

But it lingered regardless of the meditation sessions that Spock put himself through. When he attempted to flush out the warm flush that came over him with memories of Jim. Of the wave of comfort that he felt when he smelt the oaky scent that he had come to associate with Jim, not dissimilar to emotions that he had felt in the presence of his mother - yet so very different. 

He returned to his quarters. He had much to think over.


	3. Chapter 3

The mess hall was filled with the sound of activity - both alien and human. The circular tables that sat 6 were filled as the alpha crew swept in as their meal time arrived. The captain, Jim Tiberius Kirk swept in flanked on either side by his companions, Bones and Scotty. Both were talking incessantly as they made their way to the food station.

"Chapel's been saying that you missed your previous check up."

"And so Keenser said, bet she doesn't have a hyper drive and I tell yer' lad, the ladies went cr-azy"

"Really, have you even been sleeping? Your stats show a deficit in the iron content in your blood"

"Those ladies in engineering sure love their whisky..."

The triumvirate swept past the crew members, many looking on in curiosity, what would normally have been a normal scene was now simply out of the ordinary as the captain, his face ashen walked, unresponsively, so unlike the vibrant youth that the crew members all had grown to love and respect. The men on either side of him continued to chatter on non-stop, as though trying to fill the void that Jim's usual exuberance had left. But the captain remained silent. 

Now bones had seen his fair share of shit in all the time that he had walked the goddamn earth and, now travelled in space. He'd fought aliens even though - "Goddammit Jim, I'm just a doctor" - he had scaled mountains that were normally left for younger, more athletic men who actually had an interest in that shit. He had drank enough whisky to cure a drought, albeit a minor one. But the point was, Bones had weathered many shitty situations that a lesser man would have bowed under. And that wasn't even taking into account the shit storm that had went down with Jocelyn - even now, it still brought his blood to a boil. But that was besides the point. 

So now when Bones was walking beside the man who was his self-proclaimed best friend and he was the one making the effort to make some noise, he knew he had a problem. Jim Kirk did not do quiet. Jim Kirk did not do pensive, broody and he wasn't a bloody emo. So really, the only conclusion he could draw from this was that the man beside him was not Jim Kirk. 

Yet, he walked like Jim Kirk, talked similar to Jim Kirk and looked like Jim Kirk. 

Really, the peculiarities of space never failed to amaze him. The first course of action that he carried out was to give Jim a medical exam. He checked out. And then he had checked with Scotty whether there had been any transporter accidents in the past week - one could never know with those blasted contraptions after all - but nothing. So really, what was wrong with Jim Kirk???

The scot beside him had also been pondering over similar thoughts just then. Over the past week, the captain had become increasingly reserved, not that Scotty would know. He was always down in engineering after all. However, normally his days were filled with crew members gossiping wildly with "Jim Kirk did this..." and "Jim Kirk did that" and the occasional "I saw Jim Kirk and Spock making out". It was hard to kill rumours in a ship that had hadn't seen much action recently after all. However, when the rumours had suddenly stopped, Scotty knew something was up. The captain was performing his job perfectly, that was beyond doubt, but his social life and his normal jovial interaction with the crew had withered up completely. 

He didn't text, he didn't call, he didn't pop by Scotty's favourite jeffery tube with a bottle of scotch in one hand... Something simply wasn't right. And for all that Scotty was a scot and they had a no interference policy, Jim Kirk was first and foremost a brother, and family always came first, so now with a glance at McCoy behind Jim's back they fell into idle chatter trying to ascertain the root of the problem.

On the other side of the canteen was the root of the problem. 

Dark rings circled his eyes as his bowl cut fell neatly over his eyes. He glanced up briefly and for a short moment he caught Jim Kirk's eyes, but the latter quickly pulled his gaze away. And rightfully too. Spock could admit that much.

Across the table, Nyota sat, her eyes filled with curiosity. She was a communications expert, and something was wrong, but no one would tell her what, and she would find out. She was the best that there was out there after all. Turning her gaze back to her boyfriend, she smiled. 

He had finally agreed to a "date" in the mess hall, away from all the cloak and dagger dating that they'd been up to of late. She did understand his need for privacy, really, after all he was a vulcan and they didn't blatantly showcase emotions and PDA. On that train of thought, she thought back to the previous shift on the bridge. 

Spock had seemed even more distant than usual, normally he would be by the captain's side constantly, passing him padd after padd, but now? He seemed to attempt to maintain the greatest distance between them possible. 

Maybe they had had a tiff?

Laughing silently to herself, she imagined Spock blatantly showing emotions and almost snorted to herself. Spock? Hell, they'd been dating for a year but they'd barely gotten into passionate kissing. She wondered if Vulcans could even do passionate. Sure, there had been the strangling incident that they had been forbidden to talk about but that had been a lapse in a state of Great Emotional Compromise. Shrugging to herself, she reasoned, in time, she would know. After all, in their relationship, Spock was the vulcan and vulcans don't lie after all.

"Doesn't Jim look kinda tired?" She mused aloud to Spock.

His eyes shot up, the grey that she was so font off, hard and closed off.

"The captain is not our business, Nyota."

Rolling her eyes, she replied, "He's our business Spock, a happy captain makes a happy ship after all."

"Happiness is an illogical state of being. The captain is doing satisfactorily, we should not entertain notions about what he does in his free time."

Oh Spock, she mentally sighed. He was so naive... Did he think she didn't notice the way he was constantly worrying about the captain? The glances he shot to the captain, the brush of their skin - to check his mental state and exhaustion of course. Did he think that he was subtle in anyway? 

He was such a good first officer. Now if only she could only find a way to make him more physically interested in her.. Then he would be the perfect boyfriend. For now, she would have to be satisfied with intellectual stimulation and her right hand.

The owner of the blue eyes that were facing the floor felt his mind shutter as his heart gave another shudder. The distance he had with Spock on the bridge was good. Something he could work with. 

But every time he closed his eyes, brown eyes filled with tenderness filled his mind as gasps, moans and the slip of skin against skin echoed in his head.

If only...

If only Jim went for his medical checkups...

If only Jim came down for a heart to heart with a bottle of scotch...

If only Spock was more passionate with her...

If only Spock had said yes...

If only such images did not echo in both their minds endlessly. Jim and Spock both let out a sigh - or the vulcan equivalent for the latter. If only. Things could have been so different...


End file.
